Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
