The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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