I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
