The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
