I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
