Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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