i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
