my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
