Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize