Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize