if i can run in heels then i can drive
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize