how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
