I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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