seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
