he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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