got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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