This is not my ceiling
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
