So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
