I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
