You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
