it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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