Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
