I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
