I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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