it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
