So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
