Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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