there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
