Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
