im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
