i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
