Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
