take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
