Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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