Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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