I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
