HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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