I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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