i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
