Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
