I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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