Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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