I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
