...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
