He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
