yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
