Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
