Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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