can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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