Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
